Maybe There Is No Line

Children are a blessing but they come with responsibility. I heard someone once call Children a weighted blessing. It is our job, responsibility, to care for them and teach them.

My children are one of my greatest joys in life. I wouldn’t trade being their mother for anything. But, this has also been the hardest thing in my life.

All my children have their own set of special needs, extra responsibility. It is normal for us to have multiple doctors appointments in a month. Sometimes like a couple of weeks ago we have 4 in 3 days. While I’m getting used to having multiple appointments in a month they aren’t normally so close.

I felt the weight of the responsibility that week.

In the last 15 months, we’ve been given multiple diagnoses on top what I already had. The weight of responsibility keeps getting heavier.

I know and believe this is all to be left in His hands.
To be completely transparent; I’m struggling to see how I leave it in His hands and still be responsible with what I need to do.

I’ve been looking for this line and I can’t seem to find it.

I’ve spent time on my knees. I’ve laid these diagnoses at the feet of my God. Still, the responsibility felt like it was mine to carry. I was looking for the line of where my responsibility began.

I’ve prayed “Father, teach me where this line is”

But maybe there isn’t a line at all. All this is in His hands. Yes, there is responsibility on my part but there isn’t a line in between. Maybe the responsibility that is on me as a mom is also in His hands. There isn’t a line between what I leave in His hands and what I have a responsibility to do. There isn’t a line because He comes close and walks with me.

There is a lot of responsibility on me. In the last 15+ months more and more and more has been added. There have been many times I’ve cried: “God I can’t do all this, I’m tired”.

Grace for today.

It keeps coming and coming and coming

I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to ask any more questions because then there are answers and those answers lately haven’t been easy to hear.

I cry out “God I can’t handle anymore! I’ve got nothing left.

And yet I see more appointments on my calendar. I see this and I just want to cry; “I’ve got nothing left, how am I supposed to do that???”

I look back and see his faithfulness, I look around and see His grace for today. The future may seem daunting. Something I know I don’t have the strength for. But when I look at the future I’m looking at doing it in my own strength and I know I can’t. This leaves me feeling so defeated.

But, then I remember He gives me Grace for today and His mercies are new every morning.

When that day comes on my calendar I will find His grace for that day, I find His strength for that day and not any sooner. I don’t see it when I try to look ahead. No, the strength is there the day I need it. His Mercy is New every Morning and He is Faithful.

God gives me, us, the grace we need for the day.

I think of the Israelites in the wilderness and the manna God gave them each day for the day.

They got enough just for the day and had to trust God for more tomorrow. Just like I get the grace I need for today and trust God for the grace I need for tomorrow. So, I will lift my eyes, though I am tired, for He has told me “my grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest”

Exodus 33:14

God, I’m tired and there is so much on my to-do list. So much responsibility. My heart breaks for my children and dreams of what I once thought my life would be seem shattered. How does what I know of you, a good, loving Father match up with what I’m seeing in front of me? Even though I can’t see right now I choose to trust you. My heart is aching and my faith tired. But I choose to place my trust in you. I will let my faith lead me today. Today when it is hard and my emotions a mess, I choose to place my trust in you. Let Trust in you bring the peace of your presence. Father calm the storm raging in my heart right now. Your Peace doesn’t mean it all goes away (though you have to power to do so), there are still things to do, still, things to be concerned about but your peace comes in the middle of it all. Come meet me here… I am on my knees desperate for you. But, maybe on my knees is right where you want me today. Father keep me close to you. I am dust and am so easily moved by the wind. Others tell me they see faith in me. I feel like my faith is tired. Maybe what they see isn’t me at all but you holding on to me. As I Abide in you, you are my strength, as I Trust in you, you are my peace. Yes, it is not me that they see but You. Walk with me through this day. Father, I need you! I can not do this on my own.
-Amen

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