I took Anna and Jonathan to the cardiologist. Their ENT (hearing doc) was being a good doctor. She knows that with some hearing loss they also see issues with the heart and ordered an EKG for both of them.
I didn’t like the idea of going, seems like every time we ask a question we get an answer and this past year many of those answers have been hard to hear. To say that I am tired is just the tip of it. We’ve had 3 major diagnoses less than a year ago on top of what I already deal with for Grace.
The thought of going to the cardiologist weighed heavy on my heart just days before the appointment. Fear gripped my heart as I thought of the possibility of anything being added to what I already have. I haven’t even had time to adjust to all this because more keeps getting added. I am tired.
I had a friend tell me “trust, I know it’s hard right now, I’ve been there. Just keep trusting. He is walking with you. I am praying for you”.
It is encouraging to hear from a friend that it isn’t always easy to trust when life is hard. It is encouraging to see that even David a man with great faith at times struggled too (not just me).
At the moment I don’t feel strong, I feel weak and broken. But, maybe on my knees is exactly where God wants me to be right now.
I studied through the first half of the Psalms a few months ago. What really stood out to me is how David pours out his heart, every fear, every hurt holding nothing back. But, before the Psalm ends he also reminds himself of Who his God Is. David focuses on promises, attributes, and things God has done for him to encourage himself.
Last week before the first cardiologist appointment, I know my friend was praying for us, for me. While kids are falling asleep is my quiet time for prayer at night.
I woke up the next morning and the fear that had gripped my heart the day before was replaced with peace. The situation had not changed but choosing faith and trust over what I feared perhaps did.
Last night, as I read Palm 27, brought all this to mind. The one shouting on the mountain top about what God has done. He has walked with me and provided so much this year. Yet when faced with something more I tremble once again and I cry out.
The cardiologist did find something to be concerned about with Anna. This means more questions, more test, more waiting. Once narrowed down it can mean anything from medicine to surgery. Jonathan looks to be at lower risk but I was told to keep a close eye on him as well.
Everything in this fallen world may not be good but I hold to the promise that God will use it all for good in my life (Romans 8:28).
I have two words/ lessons I see many places right now.
Abide (in the true vine) – He is my strength. I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me but only as I abide in Him (Phil 4:16 & Jn 15:5)
Trust – He is my peace. It takes me choosing to trust no matter what I may be facing. “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” Prov 3:5. Jesus said “my peace I leave with you… Jn 14:27a.
Father thank you that even the days that bring fear I can trust you. You are faithful and will never leave me to walk alone. When this life brings me to my knees remind me that this is the best place to pray. Today, maybe today on my knees is where you want me to be. Thank you for the peace your presence brings. Help me to trust you as we learn about this condition and how it is going to be treated.
I pray, In Jesus name, Amen